Grieving Through Mother’s Day

By Lisa Burns

I did not tell anyone. Fear crippled me. I swore I would carry this secret to the grave. I vowed to move on with my life and never look back. With Mother's Day approaching, I felt I could no longer contain the unresolved pain. 

Grief weighed heavy and I wanted to avoid Mother's Day completely. Forever. I felt this day would always be the haunting reminder of my loss. 

- Testimony from a previous group member about her abortion experience 20 years ago

Silently Grieving Alone

This experience isn’t unique. Many women who have a reproductive or abortion loss feel a heightened sense of grief during certain times of the year, especially Mother's Day.  After all, on Mother's Day we are honoring and celebrating mothers, motherhood, and other important matriarchal figures in our lives. This mother-centered holiday can trigger the horrible realization that something is missing—and you may feel a deep sense of shame and guilt. 

Every woman experiences losses like abortion and miscarriages differently. If you are feeling the burden of sadness, grief, guilt, isolation, or shame,
explore these 3 ways to start down a path toward hope, healing, and wholeness:

1.Take Inventory 

Use this season to honestly assess where you are mind, body, and spirit. Spend time evaluating your life and giving yourself space to think outside your usual rhythm of life. Some good questions to start with could be: 

• In what ways have I felt emotionally supported in the past? 

• Currently, what practical needs do I have (financial, housing, educational)? 

• In what ways do I feel my body is physically keeping score (headache, heart racing, stomachache)? 

• In this moment, what am I most grateful for?

• How are my future decisions and relationships affected by my current state?

2. Express Yourself

Give yourself permission to grieve. One of the commonly reported feelings after an abortion is feeling like there is no right to grieve the loss of their baby because it was their choice or the stigma around abortion. Those who have gone through other reproductive losses express many unresolved feelings. Sometimes the thought is that once you become pregnant again, you no longer need to cry for the baby you previously lost. But we all know those feelings don’t just disappear overnight.

Abortion loss and reproductive loss are experiences to grieve. Your story matters and it is necessary to feel, process, and integrate every emotion that comes with it, regardless of how complicated it might feel.

Look for creative and practical ways to express your feelings: Talk to someone you can trust; write your story; acknowledge the feelings you’ve experienced from the moment you found out you were pregnant until now.

Call the emotions by name—grief, fear, regret, shame, guilt, relief, isolation, and sadness. Identify them, work through them, and, as you are able, reframe negative self-talk with positive emotions of gratitude, love, hope, joy, faith, and acceptance.  

Keep in mind different emotions may arise at different times. These emotions can come up for different reasons and in different ways. For example, if you had an abortion because you felt you were unable to care for a child at the time, new emotions may surface when you have reached a time in your life where you are equipped for motherhood. That’s normal and those emotions are valid. That is how grief works. 

3. Build a Support System 

You cannot talk about grief after an abortion or miscarriage without first talking about pregnancy.  Many women assume the grief comes from the termination of their pregnancy and not from the pregnancy itself. For some of us, many of our complex emotions experienced during pregnancy began back at the first realization that we are, indeed, expecting.  

Not everyone has earned the right to hear your story. Find the right person to talk to about your loss. We all need a safe space to express our grief. This could be your first step toward restoration. 

Finding Hope

If you are struggling with a reproductive loss or have made the decision to have an abortion and are finding it hard to get through Mother's Day, you are not alone. We are here for you! 

You can fill out a confidential contact form here or call our confidential hotline at 727.940.2636. Let this be your next best step toward acceptance, healing, and wholeness in a safe, confidential environment.

Live Free.  Be Whole.  Passages of Hope.